Managing expectations and obligations

i think i just found my mind!
when did i lose it? how? too many questions

I came home Sunday night after another weekend away.
as the peace and tranquility enveloped me. i realized how much i have missed my house.
the familiar hum of the viking refrigerator,the plushness of my afghan sofa, even the annoying whirring of the gas boiler.

after checking my voicemail, i went from room to room getting reacquainted with my home. my bedroom, just the way i left it Friday morning as i hastily packed,clothes strewn on the bed and chaise. the floor,it was spotless!
a half drunk cup of tea sits on the nightstand right next to a stack of newly acquired books begging to be read.

i hang the last of the clothes in the closet to reveal the perfectly made bed. not able to resist anymore, i get into my bed still fully clothed and i happily pulled the comforter over my head.

it seems my bed has missed me too, cause it gently cuddles me in its bosom as if to never let go. i hug my body pillow even tighter.

i was awaken out of my reverie by the whine of my front door sensor followed by footsteps on the stairs. a deep sigh, just as Mr my1 walks in with my bags.
i would have loved to have seen my own face, cause he dropped the bags and rushed over, asking if i was alright.

as i raise my eyes to meet his worried and searching gaze,i knew i had to tell him. that, i am so damn tired of keeping up appearances and i need my weekends to myself. just me by myself in my pyjamas all weekend puttering around, reading, eating anything and everything or just doing whatever i please!

i know, some of you are probably thinking. she's having a meltdown! (Au contra re!)
did i say i found my mind?

we have spent nearly every weekend together meeting expectations since December except for the one with my girls in January. okay, the Christmas period and the parties was fun even romantic. but it's not fun anymore. between his obligations and mine we have practically every weekend booked! did i mention, i am a recovering recluse?
why do we have to be at social gatherings together?
cause we are expected to!

if i show up without him, i will spend half the time explaining his whereabouts to each enquirer. answers like, he's busy or he has other engagements is the same as saying we 're not together anymore.

it's a different cup of tea if he shows up without me, more often it's perceived as him been on the prowl or escaping from my deathly grip depending on the gathering.
if it's a close friend of his, i get labelled a snob. several times, after he 'd walked in alone, his close friends had called me to ask why i didn't come with him. one even succeeded in making me feel so guilty i had to get dressed and join them.

so, i just came out and told him outright. i am exhausted and i will not be going anywhere next weekend and maybe the next. no more "just showing faces".

he sat there in silence for a while one brow arched while twisting the ring he now wears on the second finger of his left hand.
finally, he asked if it had anything to do with his aunt and uncle's interrogation this weekend at his cousin's wedding. i suppress a laugh as i answered in the negative.
he smiled and he simply said "that's okay babe".

i did a little victory dance inside.

i understand the necessity of expectations but,i just refuse to be a slave to it.
i also understand the futility of trying to meet society or other people's expectations. frankly, i find it quite exhausting.
the only expectation i care to meet is mine and mine alone.

The allure of the ring

I recall watching with dismay as the females admired and goshed over the bride's ring. some compared sizes, cut,clarity and even managed to insult the unfortunate girls with "baby stones". i stayed nice and quite, or else, they will all conveniently misconstrue anything said as jealousy or worse. my crazement.

it made me realize why the bride's odeshios brother wud, from seeing the reactions to the ring wud conclude. it's every female's deep desire to have a ring from a man.

does the engagement ring really signify commitment? if so, how come males don't insist on engagements rings too?

my crazy mind only likens engagement rings to branding livestock. the glaring double standard is appalling, yet most females tend to ignore it. the male proposes with a ring, female accepts and happilly wears his ring to show the world she's snagged a man. the man on the other hand needs no ring to show the world his new status or does it not matter until he actually gets married?

what is the allure of the ring?
of course, i love rings they're my second fav accessories right after shoes
they're not accessories? like men?(silly me!)
how could we ascribe so much power to a piece of jewelry?
i have been told it confers rights and priviledges.does it really?

it grieves me to see females agonizing over not being married at a certain age.
i know, it's conditioning. but why wud any female not see how absurd it is?
it seems that most females just want to join the "mrs club" at all cost.

some put their lives on hold,curtail their aspirations, trade in their personalities, lower their standards,overlook serious character flaws, condone and tolerate abusive behaviour just to be marriageable!
why on earth do u want to marry a man who is threatened by ur intelligence and achievements? or a man who is not comfortable with ur independent nature? or worse, a man u can't be urself around?

by virtue of the design, the modern marriage is destined for failure from the very start. a female is sheltered and pampered her whole life,has everything provided by her parents, has no clue what a simple budget is, talkless of how to balance a checkbook, and yet this same female is married off and is expected to run a home successfully? talk about sink or swim!


i remember my mum's remark when i upgraded from a condo to a house.
here i was, thinking she'd be proud and excited, she first asked what was wrong with the condo. i told her nothing, other than the house was a better investment and more private. she looked around the entire house,then she said "so mo pe o le dan iru eleyi wo ni naija?" -u know u wud not dare try this in naija?
i didn' need to ask further to know she meant it was a taboo for a single female to own her own place or a nice car if she harbors any hopes of ever getting married. little did she know, despite not being in naija, there's no escaping naija. as i expected, some called me a snob for moving to the burbs and running away from people, even too oyinbo. the most surprising was hearing one of my girls, voice her concern about my banishment to singlehood hell for life cos now, men will feel like they have nothing to offer!(no, i didn't slap her)

come to find out later, she was partialy right! i couldn't for the life of me attract men who had nothing to offer, but i attracted one who had more than something to offer....Love

why can't some females understand that, they don't need a lot of suitors. just one suited for them, and how can u know who's suited for if u don't take the time to know urself and pursue ur own goals?

i have my reservations about the marriage institution, no surprises there, i hope.
is it ordained by God? really now? adam and eve were married? abraham and sarah? is it then safe to assume that concubines are part of God's plan for marriages? oh, i forgot! he changed his mind in the new testament.lol

please don't get me wrong, i believe in God, i even believe the bible is inspired by God. but i refuse to accept that a loving God wud ordain marriage as an instrument of oppression for females.

do i believe in marriage? if thats what a committed, mutually satisfying and loving relationship in which both partners are free to be themselves is called. yes ke!

She's alive!

sorry o, my peeps i've been quite busy!

what is it with all dem people getting married by the droves this year?
between the save the dates, engagement annoucements,and actual invitations, we have amassed quite a stack.

still on weddings, a good friend as opposed to a bad one is getting married in a couple of weeks, so, madam prego and i went to her bridal shower.
from my previous experiences,(i have been to quite a number of dem o) bridal showers were always an all girls affairs. am i wrong?

so, u can imagine my surprise to see a handful of guys at this shower.
all the games went very well despite the presence of the guys until the over sabi ditzy chief bridesmaid (yup, how did u know?)noticed the guys weren't included in the games and decided to include them.

bride showered with lingeries she will never wear, some two sizes too small, some just simply ridiculous, some belonging in a torture chamber or better yet,a house of horror, some clearly not meant to be worn by any sane female.
can someone please educate me on what purpose handcuffs, whips, leashes,studded gloves and metal collars have to do with making love?

anywhos, a few sensible gifts here and there, foods, drinks and more silly games and it was all over.(thank goodness)

i drop off madam prego and head to mr my1's house as ordered.(oh yeah, i take orders from him now o. since when? since we had "the couple's goals and refle wateva talk. that is a post all by itself)

just as i let myself into his house with his key, my key?(wateva)and feeling really pleased with myself for finally remembering to put it in my bag for once, my phone rings.(no name and an unknown#)pick up to hear a male voice.

him:hello Sherri

me:who is this?

him: u forgot me already?(with a laugh)

me:who is this again? getting annoyed)

him:u were playing games with me not too long ago

me:(one of the guys at the bridal shower) sorry,i didn't quite catch ur name

him: i didn't throw it

me:(roll eyes) look, am just trying to be polite here. who are u ?

by now, mr my1 has one brow raised(mouthing whos's that?)as i shrugged

him:the one u gave ur # to

me:u are def calling a wrong #

him:there was another sherri there?

me:obviously

him:am just playing, am dj, the bride gave me ur # am her brother(recalling his face)

me:oh!(wondering why she wud, knowing fully well i have a man)

him:oh?

me:can i ask why?

him:why am calling or why she gave me ur phone#?

me:both

him:cos i want to talk to u and as per naija style i pulled the right strings

me(now irritated)did she happen to mention that i have a boyfie?

him:oh yeah, i know u have a bf of almost two years

me:(letting my guard down) so kilo happen?

him:ko si much, wud u have dinner with me tommorrow?

me:?

him:i like u and wud like to know u better

me:u know i have someone, right?

him:someone for almost two years and no ring? at ur age?

me:(annoyed)at my age? wth! is that supposed to mean?

him:don't kid urself, u shud be in a serious relationship by now

me:i see, and u are offering that serious relationship right?

him:u never know

me:(laughing)i'll take my chances with my unserious guy.take care.(click)
i turned to face a bemused mr my1.(i was not amused)

i realized how much i have mellowed, what ever happened to that spitfire sherri? i bet she wud have told him off after the first word out of his runny mouth, wud he have even dared call? i miss her lots.

wait! i feel her coming back!(alright!) i roll my shoulders ready to lunge at mr my1, at any provocative word(yes, any word, even my name!)

he must have sensed her presence, cos he just drew me close with that trademark twinkle in his eyes and said, barely above a whisper "i take it there were guys at the shower eh? oya, come explain urself o "

i explained alright, i just spared the words. lol


ps:i will post my rant on the ring issue later

Celebrating homeboy Osi Umeyiora and the Giants

no doubt about it that was the best superbowl game ever!
and my boys played their hearts and cute butts off!(enhanced by lycra of course)
big ups for homeboy Osi,he did us proud o
too bad he's too young, if he was just three years older, mr my1 would have a major problem on his hands for sure.lol

for obvious reasons, i couldn't wait for the day to end.
as i headed home drained, all i wanted was a long bath and my bed (decided to skip the church service)

i need to confess, i wasn't in turmoil over just the two events of the day,
the two women's dilemma brought back some unpleasant perhaps repressed memories.

exactly 5 years 2 months and 18 days ago, i was in the same position, my reaction was not anything like my reaction today.

the event
one of my girls,(she knows am writing about this) had gotten pregnant by a "hit and run" just 23years old without a meaningful job or income opted for abortion.
Saying i came down hard on her would be really putting it mildly! (i was a baby christian at the time) i refused to be a part of it, i pointed out all the other options available, i even offered her financial assistance, i didn't speak to her for two weeks.

i remember that day very vividly, it was sista Roli's 35th bday (that was the only day the particular clinic did the procedure)
we had all prearranged months prior to take her out since she didn't want any "noise"

not knowing she had the procedure done that day or what the recovery process was, i arrived at sista Roli's house dressed and ready to go out, only to meet five solemn faces.
when i found out she had the abortion that day, i was livid! she chose the day knowing well it was sister Roli's bday and boy, was i ready to tell her how selfish she was.
i asked to see her in sister Roli's room, sister Roli begged me to leave her alone but no, i insisted, it must have taken her like 5 minutes to get up but i wasn't deterred.

once in the room, let's just say, i said a whole load of crap, she didn't say a word! she just sat there looking at me with the saddest eyes (she was sitting cos she was too weak to stand) i yapped and yapped and yet she just sat there staring as if not seeing (she's not the kind not to fight back)
still not satisfied, i made to take my tantrum to the others, i turned to take one last look at her and i guess say more crap, she was now in a heap on the floor sobbing quietly...

my heart broke into a million pieces at the sight of my feisty childhood friend curled up into a ball weeping uncontrollably, as i stood rooted to the spot, she started to howl much like a wounded animal..

hours later all six of us laid on the floor in that darkened bedroom exhausted from crying.

we try not to remember the crying fest that was sister Roli's bday party...(no noise, just an ocean of tears)




*****************************************************************************
so u can understand my state of mind.

reluctantly i accepted Mr my1's offer to bring dinner and hang out for a little while.
knowing how i love to eat,he watched in silence as i played with the food, he tried to make jokes, made a comment about my not having music blasting as usual.(wareva)

as much as i didn't want to talk about it then i knew he wouldn't leave unless i did, so i told him about the events of the day.( i couldn't tell him about my girls 's past)

his eyes narrowed,(i was so not prepared for what was coming)and his mouth opened and closed for what seemed like an eternity..

basically, he was surprised i didn't try to persuade her(little sister) to have the baby, how he thinks she obviously came to me for direction seeing that she didn't come to me the fist time, and how it was not just her decision alone, if the father wanted her to keep the child she shud def keep it.(i asked,does wanting mean the same as will be responsible for? to his annoyance)
he wanted to know if i wud kill his child(o yes,i told him,i didn't know he had a child to more vexation)

he went on to complain about how he was not happy i spent the first weekend of the year with my girls(yes o, we went away to the mountain top) how we have not had "the couple's reflection and plans" for the new year (there is such a thing?)blah blah..

all i had was a rueful smile on my lips, i had no fight in me at all.
he finally left in a huff to my relief.(he later called to apologise and we talked long into the night)

i wish he'd known that, us girls had to go away that weekend because over the Christmas holidays we realized our lives are changing rather rapidly and will def never be able to get away together as usual for a long time.
why? despite three out of the five being married, we were still able to get away together at least twice a year, but now, with a child on the way, we had to accept the inevitable.

yes o, my girl is expecting her first baby! and i get a chance to redeem myself,(yes, am still paying)i have resolved to be there for her every step of the way.(her poor husband has accepted his fate)

all in day!

a tap on the door, looked up,it's my lovely 22 year old little sister!(my sister by nomination)
i flash her a smile, motions her to come in and take a seat while i grid/update a file.
she walks into my office and she closed the door,(the girl does not know the word privacy! so i knew it had to be really good or very bad)

she smiled as she takes a seat

me: what's up?
her:i have something to tell u
me:okayyy

her: u re going to be very disappointed in me, i am so sorry to let u down...(sobbing)
me:what did u do now?( deciding not to make any assumptions)
her:i am pregnant..
me: no!(looking at her in disbelief,i would never have guessed that)
her:this is the second time
me:crum!(trying to compose myself)what are u going to do?

her:i know what u 're going say! it's a sin to kill God's gift and all that, but there's no other choice! i can't have this baby! there goes all my dreams of graduating next year,owning my own house, driving the car of my dreams before i turn 28!... like u... u are so wrong! wrong! wrong! am so so stupid!...

me:calm down(now on her side with a box of tissue and hugging her)
u thought i was going to judge u? cos am a christian? u def don't know me at all.(shaking head )

her:i have heard u say women should be tested for mental illness,given competency tests before licensing them to have children!
me:exactly! u my dear, would have flunked nicely! u def don't want to know what i think shud be done to adults who engage in unprotected sex!just kidding!
look, u know i care very deeply about u, i still think u 're bright and the sky is ur limit. i respect ur choice. it is ur choice u know?.
her:i feel very badly, but there's no other way..
me:what does he say?
her:am not telling him this time, the last time he cried and begged me to keep it!
me:aw www!
her:u think i shod tell him?
me:it's ur choice. u know how i feel about keeping secrets and lying, it takes too much energy to maintain a lie and it always ends up biting u in the butt.
her:he's going to make it more difficult for me
me:do u hear urself? he's not the one carrying the child and he's partially to blame
her:thanks, i 'll keep u posted.
me:if u need me for anything, just ask
her:babysitting?(smiling sadly)
me:neh gah tive! i don't think so!

i hug her tight.
she leaves to face her day and me mine in a state of turmoil..

about two hours later,
a tap, i look up, it's another sister.
this one is beaming with joy! she announces she's pregnant with her first baby after just five months of marriage.
as i hug her, my eyes brims with tears, of joy for one and sadness for another.


think it's over?

Happy new fabulous year!

i rocked to this song at my bday party in november along with lagbaja's konko below and skentele and some hindu and latin rap songs.

since the party i have received numerous requests for this song "premier gau and lagbaja,s two by my oyinbo friends and colleagues(they also love "fayla kutee"){fela kuti}

what a sexy song!
such a shame we don't appreciate our african artists as we should.....

btw, there's another video of the song shot on location in london but, i prefer the african location o